the shift from being productive to being needed is jarring, here’s why.

From a former corporate gal who got her ass handed to her by motherhood.

Picture this:

You’re heading into work, you’ve got a busy day ahead of you but you did some prep the day before so you’re feeling on top of things. You get into work early, you have your morning coffee and start your day by clearing your emails. The day ahead is semi-predictable and you feel in control.

I, like many women, built my identity around achievement, competence and visible output before I had kids - and that shift to motherhood felt less like a smooth glide and more like a knee-jerk gear-grind.

When I was going through that, I wished someone had given the words to, or even handed me the language to be able to understand what was happening. Being a mother is my greatest and most rewarding gift, but it’s got layers, right?

The issue isn’t that taking of your baby lacks value, of course it doesn’t. The issue that the type of value changes in a way that can be disorientating - so let’s get into it!

High performers unite

In your career, I’m assuming that productivity is usually measurable and then often, externally validated. The presentation, the emails, the amount of work you can take on - it’s all measured. You complete tasks, hit targets, earn promotions and recieve feedback.

There’s a rhythm to it - you put the effort in, there’s a positive outcome, and then that’s recognised. It becomes a loop that reinforces this sense of control you have over your effort and your identity. We embed the idea of ourselves that has been drip fed since we were young children - I do things well, therefore I am effective.

I get it! Much of my work building my doula practice and coaching business has been the slow unpicking of this.

Motherhood breaks the code

Motherhood, particularly when you have a newborn, operates on a totally different plane with a different logic to work. Your baby doesn’t give two hoots about your efficiency, planning or expertise in the same way your work environment does.

The ‘work’ we do as mothers is often invisible, repetitive and most importantly - is rarely ‘finished’. We can spend an entire day soothing, feeding and changing our babies and it can feel like nothing tangible was accomplished. Just a human who needs you and continues to need you.

The needed vs productive jarring

This shift from being productive to being needed becomes jarring. It’s a constant, emotionally loaded and non-negotiable state that often doesn’t come with immediate positive feedback. Babies still cry, even when we’re doing everything right.

So that inner reward system that’s been keeping us going for many years before our Matrescence? It often just…disappears.

There’s also a loss of autonomy. That smooth morning with the hot coffee and the pace in which we felt control suddenly becomes led by a little human being. A little human being who has no desire or care for us to be able to have a relaxed hot drink.

In your career, even under pressure, there’s usually some semblance of control over your time, priorities and methods. Newborn’s take over and instead their biological needs often run the show - giving this feeling of constantly being on call.

Another layer is identity

If you’ve spent years becoming the ‘capable one’ in your professional settings - and often in life at home too - feeling inexperienced can feel like a regression. It’s not uncommon for the women I work with to think things like ‘I used to be good at things. Why does this feel so hard?’.

Much of our identity tend to be shaped by the way we spend our time, the relationships we have and the hobbies we invest in. When you’ve got a baby needing you 24/7, these elements of your life can often drop away or at least change. The exercise class you usually do clashes with the bedtime wind-down, or the late-night dinner with friends doesn’t really work with the feeding routine.

Society doesn’t help either

Career growth is put on a pedestal - success is praised in clear, vocal ways. Early motherhood, despite being idealised, is often under-supported in practice and undervalued in day-to-day recognition. So you’re doing something incredibly demanding without the scaffolding that usually helps you feel competent.

Put all that together, and it’s actually very normal to find destablised.

I’m here to remind you that this feeling is not a failure to adapt. That’s you’re not failing or getting motherhood wrong if you’re finding it hard.

What you are doing, is feeling the clash between two fundamentally systems of meaning - one built on output and recognition, and then other on presence and responsiveness.

Living inside the evolution

The women who find they reconcile this feeling tend to accept that rather than a clean switch, they’re gradually rewiring how value, competence and self worth are defined.

Here’s just three ideas of what that looks like in practice:

Redefining competence

This might look like redefining what counts as competence. Instead of questioning your production - instead reflect on your ability to be attuned, patient, emotionally regulated. Ask yourself - was I responsive? Did I adapt? Did I hold it together when it was hard? Did I ask for help when I needed it?

Keeping your baby alive, safe and emotionally secure is not low skilled work - it is just different skills.

Accepting invisible doesn’t mean less

Whilst numbers, deliverables and feedback might all be measureable - your impact with your baby is delayed and mostly invisible.

You don’t get a performance review for building a securely attached child or teaching emotional safety. Trusting that what feels repetitive and small is actually cumulative and foundational. Slow, compounding returns that are seen and experienced as your child grows into an awesome human.

Reclaiming agency

Over time, carving out pockets of autonomy for yourself is a great way of making sure YOU are cared for too. Waiting for full independence to return is a slow train into burnout land. Trying to structure parts of your day, setting boundaries around help, or choosing how you show up even if you can’t control when are all small ways to build a sense of authorship over your life.

Does this resonate?

Recognising this shift inside yourself can feel scary, but can also be a liberating, exciting way to live life in a different way. It’s less about ‘getting back to the old you’ and instead about expanding the definition about who you are and who you get to be.

If you’re sat in that window of time where you’d like to explore how coaching can benefit you, be sure to take a look at my coaching offerings.