When The Saviour Complex Shows Up

A doula's value in the birth space is invaluable, but here's what the longest birth I attended taught me about my own biases.

Doula training is complex. The narrative is often one in which that we give ourselves up as servants to the families we are serving. Fun fact, even the word doula means ‘female slave’ in Greek. So the focus then, is often that we’re sent out into the world full of knowledge and not always guided to have boundaries from the start of our doula journey.

This kind of blindsided me at the longest birth I ever attended.

I was at a birth for a number of days…

At this point in my doula career, my contracts didn’t include any total hours that I could support safely. Nowadays, it’s a fundamental way in which I work - I now cap total hours of attendance and flag that how this might be split into different shifts so that my families know when I might need a break. I understand that so much of the value in our work is done during pregnancy, and that a break allows me to show up with a refreshed headspace and an energy that can transform the births for the better.

However, back then I felt like it was my responsibility to be there from the start to the very end...

I’d worked with this family for several months before baby had decided it was their birthday. As a bit of context, we’d spoken over these months about how there was definitely some underlying fear/white coat syndrome when medical professionals were in the room. We’d built a beautiful relationship and I was so excited to support them.

The day that birth started…

Things kicked off in the evening, the woman was labouring incredibly at home. I was called out when she was experiencing surges every five minutes and it felt like it was go time!

Fast forward two hours later, and with surges every 2-3 mins, the midwives came out to the home birth. The minute they arrived everything slowed down. Even whilst they stayed out of the room for most of the time they were there, their presence was seriously impacting her flow. So we chatted and agreed they’d leave and come later.

The minute they left? Things ramped back up again, so the support at home continued - we were getting close to 15 hours at this point but I felt good and the speed of labour picking up meant I was back into hands on mode. Within three hours, we were back at two minute surges and the woman was feeling pushy. So the midwives came out, and guess what happened… everything slowed down again.

Coercion started to kick in.

After requesting a vaginal exam, baby had apparently ‘got into a not great position’ and the woman was told she was ‘only three cm’. Suddenly it became clear that the midwives leaving, and getting a team out again was going to be a battle.

She was pressured to head in and with her already been labouring for a long time, she decided to head in for additional pain relief. I reassured her that everything would be okay and she asked me to stay with her. Although I was edging close to 30 hours, I agreed.

Once we got into hospital…

We had a day and a half of back and forth, with labour ebbing and flowing but never really stopping.

I was so tired, running on adrenaline - did I leave? No. She reached for me and kept searching for my eyes throughout the experience and it felt like having me there was helping her feel safe.

Spoiler alert - my saviour complex was well and truly activated. I felt responsible for making sure she was okay and protecting her from the things that I knew she was so fearful of. As a relatively new doula, I didn’t realise this was happening inside my body.

Then she decided that after two days labouring…

A new midwife got off on the wrong foot with the woman, and immediately labour started to slow down. The woman decided she wanted an epidural, and we all discussed it was an ideal time for me to head home and get some rest.

I’m really embarrassed to say I’d only just realised that I’d been there for a grand total of… 52 hours.

When I got home, I understandably crashed. Not just exhaustion from the sheer amount of time awake, but the adrenaline crash of holding space for that amount of time was a lot.

I’d reached out and said I’d need to take some time to rest but was there for virtual support and would come see them once I’d got enough sleep. In that time, baby had decided it was go time and the birth ended up being a c-section situation at the 68 hour mark. The family were disappointed it had ended that way and felt frustrated I’d not been there for the end given how it had ended. I understand looking back, they needed somewhere to place their feelings immediately after the birth, and I was the space.

Big lessons were learnt at this birth

I’m a big believer that every birth has so many lessons to teach us. The big lesson at this birth? That by feeling I needed to protect and support this client every step of the way, I completely neglected my own needs. I depleted my energy stores so much by feeling like I needed to be there, rather than taking the proper breaks that I needed.

Had I taken the time to go home and rest, I could have shown up to add value in the end. When I’m not prioritising my rest and energy, it impacts how well I can show up for the families I am supporting. At the time, I worried I’d let them down. But now I realise that what they truly needed wasn’t for me to sacrifice myself, but for me to show up in my full energy when it mattered most.

At the time, I felt devastated that I hadn’t been able to be there for the end. Even more so that they were disappointed in their birth. But now? Now I feel so grateful that I had that experience.

I know I was able to provide support to the best of my capacity, and I’ve come away with a deep respect and knowing for myself. I know now, that by tending to my needs, I’m able to be a better doula. I know that the outcomes of my families are not my responsibility,. Countless births have taught me that power is found when your doula is there because you want her there, not because you need her there to save you.

The moral of the story?

Power is found in the preparation, it’s found in the building of your confidence in yourself as the safety.

Having a doula in your birth space is a beautiful way to feel emotionally and physically supported. Yet, a good doula is not a bouncer there to ‘protect’ you against choices.

Whilst having a doula in your birth space can reduce the chance of unnecessary interventions, a good doula will help bolster your confidence and carve out space for your voice to feel louder. Yes, there’s occasions where ‘the prickly’ side of a doula may need to come out, but it’s an intricate dance that we may not always get right.

Learnings aside, it is a complete honour to be able to walk alongside families as they tread the path of pregnancy, birth and parenthood.

If you’re preparing for birth, what does support look like to you? Do you want a doula who holds space, or one who ‘saves’ you from the system?